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August 27: Do you know why an orange is more liked than an apple? Because it's got a-peel!

August 20: What do you call a wingless fly? A walk!

August 13: A man walks down the street when he finds another man squatting down under a streetlight. He asks him what he’s doing. The man says that he’s looking for his lucky quarter he dropped. The first man offers to help him look for it. They look for half an hour, but they can’t find it. The man asks, “So, where exactly did you drop it?” The second man replies, “About five or teen feet over there.” The first man, surprised, asks “Well then why are you looking for it over here?” The other man replies, “It’s pretty obvious; the light’s just so much better here.”

August 6: A young boy is asked to try a new recipe his mother has just come up with. He tries it; it tastes terrible. So he asks his mom “You know how you always say that I should tell the truth?” She nods in agreement. “And that if I can’t say anything nice, I shouldn’t say anything at all?” Once again she agrees. The boy looks up at her and asks “Which one of those is more important?”

July 30: The final test of a crime-scene-investigation school is based off of what the students can find out from a picture of someone in profile. The first student walks in and is asked what he knows about the person. He says, “He’s only got one nostril!” The teacher says, “No you idiot! It’s a picture of someone in profile!” The second student walks in and says, “He just has one ear!” The teacher yells “No! It’s a picture of someone in profile! Geesh!” Another student comes and, after looking at the picture for a minute, says, “He has contacts.” The teacher is surprised at this amazing observation and asks, “How do you know?” The student replies, “Well, it’d be really hard to wear glasses if you only have one eye!”

July 23: A child was at Sunday School one day, and his teacher asked him, “So, do you know what’s small, brown, stores nuts in the winter, and has a bushy tail?” The child thinks for a moment, and then replies, “Well, it sounds like a squirrel, but this is church, so I just know it has to be God.”

July 16: A patient asks his doctor how his physical went. His doctor replies, “Well, you’re obese.” The patient asks for a second opinion, and the doctor replies “Okay; you’re ugly too.”

July 9:A vulture, who is carrying two possum carcasses, is boarding an airplane when the stewardess tells him that he can't get on the plane. He asks why, and the stewardess replies "Sorry, but this airlines has a limit to one carrion a person."

July 2: Mozart's body was found decomposing in its grave; it had a sheet of music and an eraser.

June 25: A little kid walks up to a security guard at a mall and says "Mister, I can't find my parents! Can you help me find them?" The guard replies "I don't know; there are a lot of good places to hide."

June 18: Ideas aren't stolen; they're "inspired".

June 11: A science teacher asks his class "So, who knows what small 'buds' in the human body are used to detect taste?" A student answers "Oh! I know this one; the answer's on teh tip of my tounge!"

June 4: A man was running for state representative, and he wanted to get the Native-American vote, so he went to a Native-American preserve to give a speech. He said "If elected representative, I will lower taxes!" The crowd excitedly yelled "Ooja!" The man didn't know what this meant, but it sounded good, so he continued. "I will also raise funding for your schools!" The crowd yelled "Ooja!", probably something in their native language, again. The man finished off his speech by saying "In addition, I will make sure that you noble people get more of the land that is rightfully yours!" Once again the crowed yelled "Ooja!" with more energy than before. As the man was leaving, the chief walked up to him and said "Good speech." The man thanked him for the compliment and continued leaving, when the chief said "Oh, one more thing." "What?" asked the man. The chief answered "On your way out, be careful not to step in any cow ooja."

May 28: Why did the shellfish get out of the water? It was getting clammy!

May 21: I went to the fights last night and a hockey game broke out.

May 14: There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.
After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of
him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..." The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

May 7: April flowers bring May flowers. But what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

April 30: Don't give into peer pressure; only losers do that.

April 23: How is crossing a road like music? You have to C sharp or you'll B flat!

April 16: Stop being so apologetic!

Sorry!

April 9:                     Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear When Under Surgery                                

1) Whoops!

2) Put it back, put it back!

3) What organ is this?

4) He signed the liability waver, right?

5) How'd that get in there?

6) What smells like chicken?

7) This is an autopsy, right?

8) Eww, it's all squishy!

9) I need more duct tape!

10) *Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

 

April 2: Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you've abused the privilege.

March 26: You're so ugly, you got sued for indecent exposure when you stuck your face out the window.

March 19: A blonde girl moves from America to Canada. The average I.Q. in both countries goes up.

March 12: Two beavers are talking about what they're going to do that day. One of them points to a river and says "Damit!"

March 5: A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are stranded on an island 100 miles away from land. The brunette swims 10 miles, and then drowns. The redhead swims 25 miles, and then is eaten by a shark. The blonde swims 50 miles, but then gets tired, and swims back.

February 26: What do you call it when someone fakes their own death? P

seudocide! (The prefix "pseudo" means "fake" and is pronounced "sudu".)

February 19: You're so dumb, you died of starvation in a grocery store.

February 12: You're so fat, you fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck halfway!

February 5: A four-foot Medium is on the run from the law, so there's a small medium at large.

January 29: A guy wants to get a job at the store, so he gets an interview with the manager. The manager holds out his hand in front of a wall and says "Hit my hand as hard as you can." The guy does, but before he hits the hand, the manager moves his hand to the side, so the guy ends up hitting the wall. "Sorry" says the manager, "but you're just too dumb". The guy shrugs and goes home. His friend asks "So, did you get the job?" "No" the guy replies. "But I learned a really cool trick." He holds up his hand in front of his face and says "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

January 22:

Roses are red,

violets are blue.

Most poems rhyme,

but not this one.

January 15: You're so dumb you waited for three hours to get your food... At a buffet.

January 8: Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that''s going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah; it makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

January 1: A mom walks into her son's room and is shocked to find how messy it is. "Just look at this mess! What were you, raised in a barn?" The son looks around, pauses, and replies "I think so."

December 25: The ancient Chinese used gunpowder for fun and kites for war. What's up with that? Also, merry Christmas!

December 18: A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a magic shop. The shopkeeper shows them a magic mirror. The mirror will give you a million dollars if you walk up to it and say "I think that" and then a true statement. If you don't say a true statement, it sucks you in and you are trapped forever. So the brunette walks up to the mirror and says "I think that grass is green" and she gets a million dollars. The redhead walks up and says "I think that the sky is blue." and she gets a million dollars. The blonde walks up to the mirror and says "I think tha-" and is sucked into the mirror.

December 11: A husband and a wife are at a marriage seminar. The speaker states that men need to understand their wife’s likes and dislikes. He said, “For example; how many of you know what your wife’s favorite flower is?” The husband leans over to his wife and whispers, “It’s Pillsbury, right?”

December 4: How do you sink a submarine full of dumb blonds? Nock on the hatch!

November 27: A duck walks into a hardware store ands asks the clerk "So, do you got any grapes?" The clerk answers "This is a hardware store. We don't sell grapes." So the duck walks out. The next day the duck comes in and says "So, do you got any grapes?" The clerk replies "No. We don't have grapes." The next day the duck walks in and asks the same question. The clerk, now very frustrated, yells "This is a hardware store! We don't have grapes! Now if you ask me if I have any grapes one more time, I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The duck looks around a bit, then asks "So, do you got any nails?" The clerk answers "No, we're out of nails." The duck looks at the clerk, smiles, and says "In that case; got any grapes?"

November 20: A wife is looking at herself in the mirror. She says “Oh! I’m so fat and ugly. Give me a compliment!” to her husband. Her husband replies “Well, your eyesight is darned-near perfect!”

November 13: Doctor, it hurts when I breathe.

Then what do you think you should stop doing?

November 6: There’s a class of football players. They’re very good at football, but very dumb. In order to get into and play football in college, they couldn’t fail in school. Their coach is also their teacher, and he wants them to pass the final exam, which he has to make and give. So for one week, all he’d do in class was play “Old McDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O” over and over. On Friday he told the class to get out their pencils and get ready for the test. On the test there was one question: “Old McDonald had a _____”. One student said to the student sitting next to him “Psst! What’s the answer to number one?”. The other student replied “I think it’s ‘farm’.” The first student says “Okay, thanks – how do you spell it?” The second student answers “I’m not sure; but I think it’s spelled E - I - E - I - O”.

October 30: "Mommy, why did you name me Sandy?"

Because, when you were born, a grain of sand fell on your head.

"Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"

Because, when you were born, a rose fell on your head.

"Blahwadatshnimbelpop!"

Shup up Cinderblock!

October 23: An engineer’s walking down the road, when a frog hops up to his shirt and says “Help! I am a beautiful princess, but I’m trapped as a frog until someone kisses me. Please kiss me, and I’ll be your beautiful wife.” The engineer picks up the frog, looks at it, and puts it in his pocket. A while later the frog comes out and says “Please! Kiss me and I’ll be a perfect wife – I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I’ll make you the happiest man in the world!” The engineer picks up the frog, looks at it, and puts it back in his pocket. A bit later the frog comes out and says “Please! I promise to be the perfect wife – why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer looks at the frog and says, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for women; but a talking frog – that’s pretty cool!”

October 16: A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. First the priest lies down on the guillotine. Before the executioner drops the blade, the priest asks if he could die looking upwards, to god. The executioner doesn’t see anything wrong with it, so he lets the priest face upwards. The executioner drops the blade – but right before it hits the priest, it stops, in midair. “Surely this must be a man on god!” says the executioner, so he lets him go. The rabbi walks up to the guillotine and asks to be killed facing god as well. The execution doesn’t object, so the rabbi lies down facing up. The blade drops – and stops, inches above the rabbi’s neck. “This must be a man of the lord as well!” says the executioner, and he lets the rabbi go. The executioner tells the engineer that it’s his turn and asks him if he would like to die facing god as well; the engineer saw the priest and the rabbi do it, so he decided to go along with it. He lies down on the guillotine, looking upwards at the sharp blade. The executioner is about to release the blade when the engineer yells, “Wait - I see where the rope’s caught!”

October 9: I’m addicted to placebos – I’d stop, but what’s the point?

October 2: The way I see it, there are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't. - Joke by Tojo

September 25: An apple a day keeps the doctor away - but it takes two if you're a bad aim.

September 18: Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.

September 11: I have a split personality. No you don't!

September 4: What do you do if your computer freezes? Stick it in the microwave.

 

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Here is the archive of Joke-of-the-Days from version 1:

May 7: I'm not obsessed, I just can't stop thinking about it.

May 6: I'm not addicted, I just can't stop.

May 5: Oompa-loompas are really just mou-nourished slave children!

May 4: I'm having one of those things! You know, a headache with pictures!

An idea?

Yeah!

May 3: I sit next to the trash can so people have to walk up to me.

May 2: Ha ha! Look at the freak of nature! Wait, on second thought, there's no way nature could mess up that much.

May 1: A  dumb blond women walks in to an electronics store and walks up to the clerk. She points to a TV and says "Hello sir. I would like but that television." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry maim, we don't serve blonds." The women gets mad and walks out of the store. She then dies her hair to be brown and walks in and asks the clerk the3 same question and he once again replies "Sorry, we don't serve blonds." Frusturated, she leaves the store and gets her hair died red and walks back in the store and asks the same question, but gets the same response, "We don't serve blonds." She leaves and then comes back with black hair and asks if she can purchase the TV she's pointing at and the clerk says "Sorry, we don't serve blonds." The woman, now furious, says to the clerk" Look, I've died my hair brown, I've died it red, I've even died it black! How do you keep on telling that I'm a blond?!?" The clerk responds "because," "that's a microwave."

April 29: A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid Little Davie?"

"No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

April 28: There was a kid named bobby who was in first grade. When he got back to school on Monday the teacher asked the class what they did over the weekend. When it was Bobby's turn he said, "I ate strawberries". Then the teacher gasped and sent him to the principals office. When the principal asked him why he got sent there he said that he just told his teacher that he aite strawberries. The principal got mad and sent him home to his parents. His parents asked him why he got sent home, and he answered "I just told him that I ate strawberries". After hearing this his parents sent him to Jail. When the jailor asked him why he got sent to jail, he told him that he had eaten strawberries.  The jailor was furious and told Bobby that he only had one week until he would be executed. Of course Bobby was sad, so he slumped home. Then, right as he was crossing the street to his house, he got hit by a car and died. So the moral of this story is to always look both ways before crossing the street. Ha ha! You wasted your time reading all that! You thought it would be funny! Well it was! For me! To watch you waste your time and read it all! Ah ha ha ha ha! --- Wait --- you did read that, right? Am I typing this for no reason? Oh, for the love of something that is loved, please read this!

April 27: You're so dumb you thought a quarterback was a refund!

April 26: You're so dumb you sold your car for gas money!

April 25: I hate people who aren't tolerant!

April 24: Your mom's so dumb, she had you! - Joke by PurpleHill.Net

April 23: Be careful with my drumset! Don't hurt my baby!

Your drumset's your baby? What'd you do, make out with a toaster?

April 22: Space - So endless. It goes on, and on.   Until you reach the end and the monkey jumps out and starts throwing barrels at you. - Fututama

April 21: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ohhhhhh! That'd explain the thing under my tire.

April 20: A: Come quick! There's a big hole in the wall!

V: Yeah. It's called a door.

April 19: Everyone's different but me.

April 18: You're so fat you have your own zip code!

April 17: Why are there no Wal-Marts in Iraq? They've all become Targets! - Joke by Eric N

April 16: You're so fat you tripped over the Gap and landed right on Target!

April 15: V:  Hey, I'm not as stupid as I look.

E Nobody could be as stupid as you look. - Joke by Eric N.

April 14: You're so dumb you stared at an orange juice carton for 20 minutes because it said "concentrate". - Joke by the Purple Blob

April 13: You're so fat you fall of both sides of the bed!

April 12: I'm in shape. (Hey, round's a shape)

April 11: Read April 10's joke first. There's a man and a women flying on a plane. The man is smoking a cigar and the woman has a poodle that keeps barking. The woman tells the man to stop smoking and the man tells the woman to make her poodle be quiet, but they both don't. The woman says that if the man doesn't stop smoking she'll throw his cigar out the window, and the man says that if the woman doesn't shut her poodle up he'll throw it out the window. The man doesn't stop smoking and the woman doesn't shut up her poodle, so the man takes the woman's poodle and the woman takes the man's cigar, and they both throw them out the window. When the plane lands, guess what they find on the wing? The brick!

April 10: There's a man who wants to build a doghouse. He has 51 bricks. After he's done making the dog house he realizes that he has 1 brick left over. What does he do with the brick?   He throws in in the air!

April 9: Donald Trump, Bill Gates, and George Bush are all in a hot air balloon. George Bush says "I can make 100 people happy ", and he throws 100 dollars out of the balloon. Bill Gates says "I can make a million people happy", and he throws a million dollars out of the balloon. Then Donald Trump says "I can make everyone happy", so he throws George Bush out of the hot air balloon. -Joke by PurpleHill.Net

April 8: I'm not ugly. It just looks like I am.

April 6: You're so dumb you got hit by a parked car!

April 5: You're just jealous 'cause the voices only talk to me.

April 5: Old women living in ponds, handing out swords to people walking by is not a good body of government! -Monty Python and the Holy Grail

April 4: Who was George Washington Carver?   The guy who killed George Washington.

April 3: Why did the dinosoar cross the road?   Because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

April 2: An optimist says that the glass is half full, a pessimist says that the glass is half empty, and an engineer says that the glass is twice as big as it should be.

April 1: It's not April Fools. April Fools! It is April Fools!!! HahahahahaROFLMAOhahahaha!!!

March 31: How do you put a giraffe in the freezer?   Open the door and put him in.

March 30: What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner.

March 29: Why'd the chicked cross the road? To beat up the guy making jokes about him.

March 28: What did Pacman say to Mrs.Pacman? Wagga wagga wagga wagga.

March 27: How do you sink a Polish submarine? Put it in water.

March 26: How do you kill a dumb blond? Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

March 25: Someone with a science degree says "why does it work" , someone with an engineering degree says "how does it work", someone with an accounting degree says "how much will it cost", and someone with an art degree says "would you like fries with that?"

March 24: If this is a house of pancakes, then why can't I eat the walls?

March 23: Did you know that 78% of all statistics you here are just made up?

March 22: Don't be open minded or your brain will fall out!

March 21: Did you know that 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions?

 

 
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